Sunnah Method Of Marriage

21. Etiquettes For Husbands

Allâh ta’ala says, “For them (women) are rights similar to those on them according to the beautiful standard.” Man is told that as there are rights due to him, his wife also has rights due unto her. Rasulullâh ﷺ said, “The best among you are those who are best towards their wives.” (Tirmidhi).

1.) When entering the home, always make salâm cheerfully, no matter how difficult your day may have been.

2.) Similarly, when leaving home in the morning, make a point of kissing your wife and don’t leave without salaam. Salâm is a means of engendering great love and happiness in the home.

3.) Implement the beautiful sunnah of smiling. Smile more and frown less. Express this virtuous act of smiling to your wife often, and not only outside to strangers. Smiling is an act of charity. Try and create such a loving presence at home that your family members look forward to see you, rather than hoping you never come home.

4.) Support and spend generously on your family, according to your means. Regard this as an Islamic responsibility, not as a favor upon them, nor as a burden on you.

5.) Spending on bare necessities is not sufficient to engender true love and a happy home. However, be moderate in your expenditure- there should be neither wastage nor miserliness.

6.) Shower your wife with gifts (within means). Never remind her of favors you confer on her.

7.) Provide her with her own monthly allowance (according to means) over and above your house hold budget expenses. This money will then belong to her, thus allowing her freedom of choice to purchase items for her personal needs, without having to account how it was spent.

8.) Compliment your wife’s cooking after meals. Overlook the little shortcomings, e.g. if the salt is less or if the food is not prepared on time, for some reason beyond her control.

9.) Endeavor to eat and drink from the same utensil. Sometimes place a morsel of food in each other’s mouth (not only to be practised when newly-wed), this will increase mutual love. One will be rewarded for this.

10.) Do not disclose your wife’s secrets or faults to either family members or friends. Always conceal one another’s faults. Even worse is to speak about one’s physical relationship.

11.) Express your love often and make her feel wanted. According to Rasulullâh ﷺ, the mercy of Allâh ta’ala pours on a couple when the husband glances at his wife with love and pleasure and she reciprocates by glancing at him with love and pleasure.

12.) Laugh and joke with her within Shar’i limits. Nabi ﷺ used to engage in light-hearted conversation with his wives.

13.) Compliment your wife on her dressing. If you do not approve of any aspect of her dressing, then instead of rebuking her, rather explain to her in a gentle and loving manner your likes and dislikes. Just as you would like to see her smartly dressed, you too should dress smartly for her (all within the confines of the shari’ah).

14.) If possible, give her a call during the day to see how she is feeling.

15.) Share in the upkeep and maintenance of the home. Doing household chores is a sunnah of Nabî ﷺ that breeds humility and displays compassion and kindness. Nabî ﷺ assisted in household chores. Examples of this are cleaning, sweeping, laying the foodcloth, looking after the children.

16.) Learn to tolerate slight misbehavior, or displeasing little acts committed by your wife. Don’t react violently by meting out injustice and cruelty upon her with verbal and physical abuse. Never take her curse. Don’t break your promises, crush all expectations and become an oppressor, a tyrant and a blackmailer. Unfortunately, many of our sisters bear untold misery and suffer in silence, day in and day out for years on end, having none to turn to besides Allâh ta’ala. Remember O husband, when that lonely, broken heart cannot tolerate anymore and those hands rise up complaining to none other than Allâh ta’ala, then rest assured that her tears and pain will not go unanswered. Nabî ﷺ has stated, “Beware the curse of the oppressed person, since there is no veil between it and Allâh ta’ala.” Allâh ta’ala says to the oppressed person, “I will assist you, even though it be after some time.”

17.) Endeavor to change her habits like carelessness, laziness, etc. with advice and admonition. This must be given tactfully, with wisdom and patience. Rule with love and never with the iron fist. It is among her rights upon you that you tolerate her. Nabî ﷺ has said that a woman is created from a crooked rib and there is therefore crookedness in her character. If you try to straighten her, you will destroy her. Therefore, take benefit from her together with her crookedness.

18.) Live with her and speak in the manner that you would want someone to treat your own sister or daughter. If you dislike some qualities in them, they possess others pleasing to you. Look at these qualities. No one is perfect. Remember the grass always seems greener on the other side.

19.) When you are overcome by anger and wish to physically or verbally abuse her, then remember that Allâh ta’ala, whose trust she is, possesses greater power than you do. Immediately move away from that place, drink water and recite ta’awudh (i.e. audhu billâhi minash shaytân ir rajîm.) If possible, make wudhu. Remember that after the expression of every bout of anger, there is regret. Never discuss a problem in the state of anger. Calm down first.

20.) Learn to forgive your wife- Forgive her as many times as you would like Allâh ta’ala to forgive you for your errors. Remember the English adage “To err is human, to forgive is Divine.”

21.) Regard your wife’s parents as your own, address them politely and treat them kindly as you would treat your own parents. Accord them the same respect and honor as your own parents.

22.) Learn to communicate constructively. Make a resolution that at the time of a problem you would sit down and discuss in a dignified manner, without raising voices or being abusive; or you will seek advice from someone you both can confide in.

23.) You cannot choose not to communicate-even your silence and body language can send important messages. However, they may be misinterpreted and could cause more harm.

24.) Misunderstandings and minor differences should not be suppressed. Rather discuss them in an amicable manner; else this could ultimately lead to a broken marriage (Allâh ta’ala save us.)

25.) Learn to admit your mistakes. This is a sign of humility. Do not attempt to justify your mistakes.

26.) Don’t ever argue in public or in front of the children. This can affect the children psychologically and could prove detrimental to the marriage.

27.) In a serious conflict, call in arbitrators from both sides and let the matter be solved amicably.

28.) Spend quality time with your wife and children. The time spent with them is an act of ibâdah (worship). Apart from religious activities and necessary business activities, devote yourself to your family. Insha-Allaah, it will reap excellent dividends.

29.) Control your tongue at all times. Remember that wounds afflicted by swords may heal, but the wounds afflicted by the tongue very seldom heal.

30.) Never compare nor mention the beauty, character or qualities of other women to your wife. This is extremely insensitive and may cause jealousy, suspicion and unnecessary doubts in her mind. Accept your wife for what she is and do not cast lustful glances at other women. By doing so, shaytân will beautify the form of these other women. When a woman emerges from her home, shaytân beautifies her in the eyes of men. By controlling one’s gazes, one’s love for his wife will increase and one will attain the sweetness of imân.

31.) Do not keep in touch or communicate with any female acquaintances from the past, even if they are ‘just good friends’. This is extremely detrimental to the marriage and forbidden.

32.) Nabî ﷺ has stated, “The most detestable of lawful things by Allâh ta’ala is talâq (divorce).” (Abu Dâwûd) Don’t abuse this responsibility of issuing talâq, given to you by Allâh ta’ala. Talâq has been allowed as a last resort after all avenues of reconciliation have been exhausted and if the marriage has broken down and there is no other way out.

33.) Never use the word ‘talaaq’ or ‘divorce’ neither in jest nor in anger. If the need arises, seek the advice of an ‘alim or mufti before resorting to divorce.

34.) Exercise patience. Never make hasty decisions which you will regret later. “Allaah is with those who exercise patience.”

35.) If your wife is troubled with worries or is depressed, then be sympathetic and encourage her to discuss the problem with you. Make du’a for her. Be an anchor of support and a pillar of strength for her by practically expressing your moral support. This will Insha-Allaah make her truly appreciate your heartfelt concern for her.

36.) Remember that your wife has made the great sacrifice of leaving the confines of her parent’s home and her near and dear ones to come and spend the rest of her life with you- a life of the unknown. This she does with great hopes and expectations. Do not destroy them. Fulfill all these requisites which you have made binding on yourself through marriage. Appreciate and value these sacrifices. Allâh ta’ala will surely reward you in this world and the hereafter.

37.) Never demand back any gift given to your wife, even if the marriage ends in divorce. It is totally forbidden to repossess gifts given at the time of marriage or at any other time.

38.) Never allow your wife to mix with other strange men. This will severely harm your marriage. The hadith describes a man who allows his wife to talk and freely mix with other men as a ‘dayyooth’ (cuckold). (Ahmad) You too should abstain from talking unnecessarily to strange women. Strange (ghair-mahram) in the shari’ah refers to all people with whom marriage is permissible in Islam. Included in these people are cousins, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, parent’s brothers and sisters spouses, father and mother-in-law’s brothers and sisters, etc. Nabi ﷺ has stated that the brother-in-law is death. The cases where an illicit relationship was established in family circles are very many and the consequences are disastrous. Never trust the nafs. Shaytân runs through the veins of man.

39.) It is your Islâmic obligation to be the breadwinner of the family. Never shirk in your responsibility and unduly burden your wife with the onerous task of supporting your family. This unnecessary strain on her will be a cause of great sorrow and lament, and you will be answerable to Allâh ta’ala in the hereafter for neglecting your fundamental duty to your family. A sign of qiyâmah is that men will bring their womenfolk into their businesses.