Sunnah Method Of Marriage

22. Etiquettes For wives

Nabî ﷺ has stated: “The woman who offers her five times salah, fasts in the month of Ramadhan, protects her honour and respect, and obeys her husband has the choice of entering Jannah from whichever door she wishes to enter from.” (Ibn Hibbân)
“The woman who passes away in such a state that her husband is happy with her will enter Jannah.” (Tirmidhi)
“Were I to command anyone to prostrate to anyone besides Allaah ta’ala, I would have commanded the woman to prostrate to her husband. If the husband orders the wife to carry the boulders of one mountain to the next, and then to a third, she will have to do this.” (Ahmad)

1.) Obey your husband in all permissible matters. This will draw the mercy of Allâh ta’ala. Nabî ﷺ said, “The best of women is she who makes her husband feel happy when he glances at her; she obeys him when he instructs her and she does not oppose him in regard to herself and her wealth by doing what he dislikes.” (Hâkim)

2.) When your husband enters the home, always make salaam cheerfully and give him a warm affectionate smile, no matter how difficult your day may have been. Similarly when leaving home in the morning, make a point of kissing your husband and make salaam. Salâm is a means of engendering great love and happiness in the home.

3.) If you had a difficult or tiring day, try to appear cheerful. Do not make a point of making your husband aware as soon as he enters the house. This could cause him to become angry. Gradually try to win his compassion and sympathy.

4.) You should abstain from all things and every form of behavior that find disfavor with the husband. Acquaint yourself with the moods and act accordingly, to cultivate his pleasure. Do not increase his worries. Strive to become a source of comfort and peace for him,

5.) Endeavor to eat and drink from the same utensil. Sometimes place a morsel of food in each other’s mouth (not only to be practised when newly-wed), this will increase mutual love. One will be rewarded for this.

6.) Keep the home, children and (most important) yourself neat and tidy when he enters the home. This will enhance his confidence in you. A neglected home could affect his mood adversely.

7.) Try to complete your household chores early and quickly so that you can spend quality time with your husband and children.

8.) Do not disclose your husband’s secrets or faults to either family members or friends. Always conceal one another’s faults. Even worse is to speak about one’s physical relationship.

9.) Be prepared for him at meal times, as the heat of hunger is very often inflammable. Remember the adage, “A hungry man is an angry man.”

10.) Do not mingle and speak to strange men. This will severely harm your marriage. Never allow any strange man to enter your house in the absence of your husband; no matter how well you or your husband knows him.

11.) It is the wife’s obligatory duty to beautify and adorn herself only for her husband. It is forbidden for her to adorn herself for all and sundry, when leaving the house. A hadith states, “A woman who applies perfume and passes by a gathering is like an adulteress.”

12.) Nabî ﷺ said, “It is not permissible for any woman to keep an (optional) fast without her husband’s permission.” (Abu Dâwûd)

13.) Never compare nor mention the handsomeness, character, wealth or generosity of other men to your husband. This is extremely insensitive and may cause jealousy, suspicion and unnecessary doubts in his mind. Accept your husband for what he is and do not cast lustful glances at other men. By doing so, shaytân will beautify the form of these other men. By controlling one’s gazes, love for the husband will increase and she will attain the sweetness of iman.

14.) Do not keep in touch or communicate with any male acquaintances from the past, even if they are ‘just good friends’. This is extremely detrimental to the marriage and forbidden.

15.) Learn to communicate constructively. Make a resolution that at the time of a problem you would sit down and discuss in a dignified manner, without raising voices or being abusive; or you will seek advice from someone you both can confide in.

16.) You cannot choose not to communicate-even your silence and body language can send important messages. However, they may be misinterpreted and could cause more harm.

17.) Misunderstandings and minor differences should not be suppressed. Rather discuss them in an amicable manner; else this could ultimately lead to a broken marriage (Allâh ta’ala save us.)

18.) If you are overcome by anger, then immediately move away from that place, drink water and recite Ta’awudh. If possible, make wudhu. Never discuss a problem in the state of anger. Calm down first.

19.) Don’t ever argue in public or in front of the children. This can affect the children psychologically and could prove detrimental to the marriage.

20.) In a serious conflict, call in arbitrators from both sides and let the matter be solved amicably.

21.) Exercise patience. Never make hasty decisions which you will regret later. “Allâh is with those who exercise patience.”

22.) Control your tongue at all times. One of the main reasons for breakup of marriages is the misuse of the tongue. Thereafter you will regret for the rest of your life. Nabî ﷺ said, He who keeps silent is saved.” (Tirmidhi) Remember that wounds afflicted by swords may heal, but the wounds afflicted by the tongue very seldom heal.

23.) Learn to admit your mistakes. This is a sign of humility. Do not attempt to justify your mistakes.

24.) Nabî ﷺ said, “The woman who asks her husband for a divorce (without a valid reason), the fragrance of Jannah becomes unlawful for her.” (Tirmidhi)

25.) Respect, and honor your husband’s parents as your own, address them politely and treat them kindly as you would treat your own parents. For the sake of your own happiness and for the sake of your husband, it is essential to maintain a good relationship with the in-laws.

26.) Regard his family as yours. Never insult his family nor use past events or his background to hurt him. You can never acquire the love of your husband if you attempt to disrupt his relationship with his mother, father, brothers, sisters and other relatives. Disruption of family ties is amongst the worst of major sins, and invites the wrath of Allaah ta’ala.

27.) Never regard your obedience and service to your husband in mundane acts as insignificant. In fulfilling his wishes, you are obeying the command of Allâh ta’ala who has made incumbent upon you total obedience to your husband (in permissible matters). Nabî ﷺ said, “O women, look. Your husband is either your Jannah or Jahannum.”

28.) The reward of a woman’s activities within the confines of her home is clearly seen in the reply of Nabî ﷺ to a woman who requested to participate in jihad. Nabî ﷺ said, “Convey to any woman whom you meet, that obedience to the husband and acknowledging his rights are equal to jihad. However, few among you do so.”

29.) Nabi ﷺ said, “When a woman leaves home without her husband’s permission, then all the angels in the skies and entire universe curse her for this act until she returns home.”

30.) Do not be demanding and imposing. This leads to serious conflicts. Learn to request politely, rather than demand.

31.) Do not feel shy to compliment your husband. Make him feel important and win him over with kind words. Adopt a cheerful appearance-this will ignite the face of even a gloomy husband. On the other hand, nagging will produce the adverse effect.

32.) Your expression of pleasure and appreciation for the ‘little gifts’ he brings for you will be a source of great happiness and pleasure for him.

33.) Nabî ﷺ said, “When a husband calls his wife to bed (at night for sexual relations) and she refuses (without any valid shar’i reason), then the angels curse her till the morning.”

34.) Ingratitude is a common malady amongst women. Nabî ﷺ once addressing the womenfolk said that the majority of the inmates of Jahannum will be women because of their cursing in abundance and ingratitude to their husbands.

35.) Never yell at your husband, especially in public. You will hurt his ego. Do not become his mouthpiece- if he is asked a question, let him answer it himself. Do not make decisions for him, nor interrupt his discussions.

36.) If your husband is troubled with worries or is depressed, then be sympathetic and encourage him to discuss the problem with you. Make du’a for him. Be an anchor of support and a pillar of strength for him, by practically expressing your moral support. This will Insha-Allâh make him truly appreciate your heartfelt concern for him.

37.) If you require extra money, ask politely; keeping in mind his financial status. Refrain from making unreasonable and extravagant demands on him. Maintain the household budget within your means. Do not express displeasure when he is unable to fulfill your lavish demands.

38.) Learn to forgive him. Remember the English adage “To err is human, to forgive is Divine.”

39.) Show him your trust and do not pry into his affairs. Do not ask too many questions. Safeguard his assets, he will have great trust in you. A marriage, no matter how rosy it seems at the outset, will sometimes be faced with problems and difficulties, like weeds in an unattended garden. If we nip them in the bud (i.e. discuss and resolve them) when they surface, then we can foster a happy married relationship and make the bond of love stronger. However, if we ignore these initial stumbling blocks and pretend they do not exist, then they may increase and Allâh forbid, they may become so deep-rooted that attempts to remedy them later on may fail. Even if they are resolved, they could still taint the love and affection of the couple for many years to come, and make life very unpleasant.