Sunnah Method Of Marriage

8. Basis For Choosing A Partner

Hadrat Abû Hurayrah, radiyallahu anhu, narrates that Rasulullâh ﷺ said, “A woman is married for one of four reasons; for her wealth, for her family lineage, for her beauty or for her religiousness. Choose the one who possesses religiousness. May your hands be dusty! (Bukhâri, Muslim)

"May your hands become dusty" is an Arabic mode of expression which is used on different occasions. In this context, it is meant to create a yearning and a desire for a pious woman.

Hadrat Anas, radiyallahu anhu, narrates that Nabî ﷺ said, “Whoever marries a woman due to her status, Allâh ta’ala will only increase him in disgrace. Whoever marries her for her wealth, Allâh ta’ala will increase him in poverty. Whoever marries her for her family lineage, Allâh ta’ala will amplify his abasement. Whoever marries a woman only intending by it that he may lower his gaze and protect his private part, or to join family ties, Allâh ta’ala will bless him with her, and bless her with him.” (Tabrâni in Awsat)

Hadrat Abdullâh ibn Umar, radiyallahu anhu, narrates that Rasulullâh ﷺ said, “Do not marry women for their beauty. Perhaps their beauty will lead to their destruction. Do not marry them for their wealth. Perhaps their wealth will cause them to be disobedient. Marry them for their religiousness. A dark-looking slave who is disfigured but is religious-minded is more virtuous (than a beautiful but irreligious woman.)” (Ibn Mâjah)

This in no way means that one should not look for beauty at all. If the circumstances are such that a woman is very pious but at the same time she is so ugly that one's nature does not find her acceptable and there is a fear that if he marries such a woman there will be no mutual understanding between them, and that he will be neglectful in fulfilling her rights, then in such a case he should not marry such a woman.

Man should not marry a woman due to her wealth. This is completely contrary to his self-esteem and honor. It is his duty to earn and support her. It is appropriate to marry such a woman who hails from a family whose material position is equal to or lower than the man. If she is wealthier, then generally she will place high demands on her husband, due to which he will be forced to slave for her. If she uses her money on her husband, then besides rare cases, the man will have to live in humiliation, under her control and rule. The Qurân Sharif explains that one of the reasons Allâh ta’ala has granted man authority over woman is because he spends on her, from his wealth, as this is his duty.

Similarly, family lineage should not be looked at. If the man is from a lower family caste, he will be belittled and regarded as insignificant in the eyes of his in-laws. They will not possess respect for him.

Beauty too, is temporary and short-lived. It can be destroyed with one sickness. After some sicknesses, beauty does not return e.g. at times, one is afflicted with measles or chicken-pox and the marks remain on the face, or the hair falls off. If the object of marriage is wealth or beauty, then as soon as this is removed, all love and affection will end. Hatred will be created in the heart of one another. Besides this, if a woman possesses these traits, but has no piety, then she will generally be conceited and arrogant. She will not care to fulfill her husband’s rights. Her object will be to obtain her own rights. No vestige of shame or modesty will be found within her. If the husband possesses some trace of modesty, he will not be able to tolerate her shameless speech and relations with strange men. Excessive beauty could also lead to other more serious sins and vices. Even though beauty is a great bounty from Allâh ta’ala, it can be a means of great destruction. Many men fall in love with women due to their beauty, and end up angering their parents, due to their parents not approving of the marriage. Many such incidents have also occurred where beautiful women got tired of their not so-good looking husbands and thus sought greener pastures.

Note: Marrying on the basis of beauty is the way of the Christians, marrying on the basis of wealth is the way of the Jews, and marrying on the basis of lineage is the way of the polytheists like the Hindus.

The quality which a Muslim should look for in a woman is dîn. This means she should possess Allâh-consciousness, knowledge of the basics of religion and she should be a practising Muslimah. Hayâ (shame and modesty) is the most important quality which should be sought. Today is a time when women are taught to express themselves. This is completely contrary to Islamic teachings. Another quality of vital necessity is that a woman should love to serve her husband. She should know how to cook, run a house and possess love for children. Today many women get married without knowing these basics. Parents flounder in deception that they will learn after they marry. We should remember that if one is not habituated to certain actions during their formative years, then it is extremely difficult for them to thereafter bring within themselves these qualities. It is for this reason that we are commanded to instruct our children to perform salâh when they are seven and to hit them if they are not doing so at the age of ten. When this quality will become a habit at a young age, Insha’Allah, it will always remain. The trend of ‘eating out’ has come about due to this.

A woman too should look at the religiousness of her prospective partner. She should not concern herself with other unnecessary qualities. Rasulullâh ﷺ said, “When such a person comes to you whose religion and character pleases you, then marry him (to your daughter). If you do not do so, then there will be evil and great corruption in the earth.” (Tirmidhi)

Due to the media and other propagation tools, the qualities sought for in partners are exceptionally high and at times ridiculous. Today, many people look for the following qualities:

1) family lineage of Hadrat Hasan and Husein radiyallahu anhuma
2) knowledge of Imâm Abu Hanifah (if religiousness is sought) or Avicenna (if worldly objects are sought)
3) character of Junaid Baghdadi
4) beauty of Yusuf, alayhis salam
5) wealth and ruler-ship of Firawn and Qârûn

To find some-one with all these qualities is impossible. If that person’s father-in-law had to look for those qualities within him, he would have never married the girl’s mother. Similarly, if the girl starts looking for similar qualities in the boy, then it is unlikely any-one will ever marry. Hadrat Thanwi, rahimahullah, states that in these times, we should look for the following qualities:

1) There is no doubt in his Islamic beliefs. He does not mock any part of dîn.
2) He has respect for people of knowledge and the pious.
3) He is soft-natured.
4) There is strong hope that he will fulfill the rights of those associated with him.
5) He has enough money to fulfill his necessities, or the strength to earn sufficient wealth.
If such a person comes forward, then one should not delay.

Parents should not make wealth their criterion. Let us ponder over these examples from Islâmic history:

1) Hadhrat Thâbit Bunâni, rahimahullah, narrates that when Yazîd ibn Mu'âwiyâh, rahimahullah, sent to Hadhrat Abu Dardâ, radiyallahu anhu, a proposal for his daughter Dardâ, radiyallahu anha, he rejected the proposal. One of Yazîd's companions said, "May Allâh mend your affairs. Will you allow me to marry her?" The man persisted, "Then allow me? Allâh will mend your affairs." "Alright," Yazeed said. The man proceeded to propose and Hadhrat Abu Dardâ, radiyallahu anhu, got him married (to his daughter). The news spread that while Hadhrat Abu Dardâ, radiyallahu anhu, rejected Yazîd's proposal, he accepted the proposal of a poor and simple Muslim and then married his daughter to him. Hadhrat Abu Dardâ’s, radiyallahu anhu, comment was, "I did it in the best interests of Dardâ. What do you think would be her condition when (in Yazîd's wealthy household) she has castrated slaves standing over her all the time and when her eyes are dazzled when she sees the (opulent) house? Where will her Dîn be then (when she becomes obsessed with worldly wealth)?" (Abu Nuaym in Hilyah, Ahmad)

2) Shah Shujâh Kirmâni, rahimahullah, abandoned his kingship and adopted sûfism. He had a daughter. Another ruler proposed to her but the father refused. Upon seeing a poor, pious young man offering salât in a beautiful manner, he got her married to him. When she left her parents' home and came to her husband's home she saw a piece of dry bread which was hidden in a water-pot. Upon seeing this, she asked: "What is this?" The boy replied: "This is the left-over of last night. I have left it so that I may open my fast with it." Upon hearing this, she turned to go. The boy said: "I knew from the very outset that a king's daughter will not be happy with my poverty." She replied: "The king's daughter is not displeased with your poverty, instead, she is displeased that you do not have any trust in Allah. I am surprised at my father who told me that you are a virtuous young man. How can a person who does not place his trust in Allah be virtuous and pious?" This boy began apologizing. She said: "I don't want to hear any apologies. Either I remain in this house or this bread remains here." The boy immediately gave this bread in charity and she remained with him.

Some parents, due to custom, will not allow their younger daughter to marry until the elder one is married, even if a suitable proposal comes for the younger one. The result of this is that at times years pass and both daughters are not married. If perchance the elder daughter eventually marries after many years, if becomes difficult to find a suitable partner for the younger one.

In Tâlimud-dîn, Hadrat Thanwi, rahimahullah, has written, “If coincidentally, any girl has to fall in love with a strange man, then it is better to get them married.” The reason for this is that if a man and woman fall in love, but the parents are displeased, and force them to get married elsewhere, then in most cases, the old love-relationship is still maintained after marriage, which eventually brings disgrace, humiliation and heart-ache to the entire family. If love has been created for one another, it is difficult to remove it by force. Forcibly preventing two people in love breeds resentment, rebelliousness and hatred. The end result is an eloped marriage, or illicit sexual contact even whilst married to another.

Islamically, there is nothing wrong for a father to seek a suitable partner for his daughter. In the Qurân we read that Shuaib, alayhis salam, found in Mûsâ, alayhis salam, excellent qualities. He thus proposed to him for marriage to his daughter. Similarly Hadrat Umar, radiyallahu anhu, approached Hadrat Uthmân, radiyallahu anhu, and then Hadrat Abu Bakr, radiyallahu anhu, to marry his daughter. Eventually Nabi ﷺ married her.