Sunnah Method Of Marriage

17. Other Evils

1) Wedding feast - The time of marriage is a time of sorrow for the girl’s family and the girl as well as a time of happiness. Out of happiness for this bounty, the husband invites people for the walimah. Even though logically the woman is happy, her shame, sorrow and modesty demands that she does not exhibit this happiness. Together with this, there is no precedent for this feast in the lives of the Sahâbah or the pious predecessors. Since this feast is given more importance than even the walimah and is regarded as binding, it should be completely abandoned.

If the boy is from a distant place and nikâh is performed at such a time when meals are generally served, there is no harm in partaking of this meal as this is given on the basis of hospitality. However, having a special meal, inviting huge numbers of people, hiring of halls, printing of wedding cards, sitting on stages, etc. is against the way of Islamic culture.

2.) Missing of salâh – The greatest act of worship in Islâm is that of salâh. During marriages, salâh is abandoned completely. Even those who are in the habit of performing salâh generally, more-so amongst the women-folk, neglect their salâh or perform it as qadhâ. When this is our condition with the most important of Allâh ta’ala’s laws, then how can we expect to draw Allâh ta’ala’s mercy and benevolence at such an occasion? The bride at times wears such types of outfits, wherein it is not possible for her to perform salâh. Most of the ceremonies last till late at night, resulting in the forfeiting of Fajr salâh. The people of the house are so engrossed in the preparations for all these ceremonies and entertaining their guests that they tend to forget salâh, or delay it from its mustahab time. Resulting in negligence of salâh itself is enough to render these ceremonies impermissible.

3) Extravagance and Wastage – Allâh ta’ala states, “Eat and drink, and do not waste. Verily Allâh ta’ala does not love those who waste.” In another verse, Allâh ta’ala states, “And grant family members their right, the poor and the travellers; and do not waste. Verily those who waste are the brothers of Shaytân. Shaytân was ungrateful to his creator.” As mentioned earlier, the marriage with the least expense leads to the greatest amount of blessings.

Therefore, all unnecessary expenses in a marriage will be regarded as extravagance and will fall under the prohibition mentioned above. A few examples of extravagance and wastage are:

a.) Wedding cards: Thousands are spent in the printing of wedding cards with the latest designs and best quality. This will be considered extravagance and will not be permissible according to Shari’ah. If there is a real need to print wedding cards so as to inform people of the wedding, it will be permissible to do so, on condition that the wedding cards are simple and moderate. However, it has been noticed that many a time a guest is invited personally or over the phone and thereafter a card is also sent to him. This will not be regarded as permissible as it is apparent that there was no need for the card.

b.) Grand wedding halls: Grand halls are booked for the day of the Nikah and walimah and thousands are spent in the decoration of such halls. This will also fall under extravagance. Some go to the extent of booking halls in luxury hotels that sell alcohol and pork in them. There is a fear of contamination of the liquor and pork in the food served; hence, Islam commands us to stay away from such places.

c.) Luxury cars: Using of luxury cars for the bride and the groom is also found in the practice of many Muslims. The main object behind using these cars is to show other people, which is prohibited. Money is also wasted in decorating the car, which is extravagance. Moreover, this practice stems from the Hindu culture wherein the bridegroom used to ride on a horse or elephant to the wedding ceremony. The Hindus then started replacing it with luxury cars. Hence, such practice will be regarded as imitating the disbelievers.

d.) Travelling overseas for wedding shopping: It has become a trend in many cultures to travel overseas to purchase goods for the wedding. A feeble excuse is made that the latest fashion in clothing is not available in the country. In the process, thousands of dollars are spent for plane tickets, accommodation, etc.

e.) Lighting up the house: Many parents take pleasure in decorating and lighting the house with colorful bulbs. This is a waste of money and electricity. There is no doubt in regarding this as extravagance, as there is no real need for this lighting as is done only to show other people, which is also prohibited.

f.) Ceremonies before and after marriage: The ceremonies of marriage start a week or two before marriage, and close relatives are invited every day to these ceremonies. Ceremonies are also held a few days after the walimah, wherein the groom and close relatives are invited by the bride’s parents. A ceremony is also held on the day of Nikah. Special menus are prepared for each day, and large sums of money are spent in these feasts. Moreover, although entertaining guests itself is something encouraged in Shari’ah, these ceremonies are regarded as compulsory and held merely to please other people, the prohibitions of which have been elaborated above.

Even worse today is the stag parties held which is totally shameless and a satanic innovation.

Hadrat Thanwi said, “A person complained to me, ‘At times of happiness, I would like to spend a huge sum of money. When Allâh ta’ala has given me money, why should I not spend? You prevent us from spending in many avenues, show us one avenue in which we can spend.” I said to him, “If you wish to spend, then the way of doing this, according to intellect, is to prepare a list of poor people. Whatever amount you wish to spend, distribute it amongst them (spend that amount in the marriages of poor households). See how much of fame you will get, even though this should not be your intention. (In this case,) so much of benefit will be granted to the poor. If you want to spend the money on your family, then the best way is to do what a rich person did when his daughter got married (instead of wasting his money on foolish customs), he bought a property of one hundred thousand rupees for his daughter. He said, “My intention was to spend one hundred thousand rupees. For this reason, I had kept this amount aside. Then I thought that what benefit will my daughter (and son-in-law) receive with all this clamour and hue? People will eat and depart, money will be wasted, and my daughter will gain no benefit. I therefore adopted this manner through which my daughter will benefit. There is nothing better than property. For generations, my daughter and her progeny will benefit from its profits. No-one can now call me stingy, because even though I did not use my money for all these futilities, I did not keep the money in my house.” This is the way of intelligent people.”

The main object of fulfilling these customs is for show and fame. A person desires that he must be remembered and praised for his function. Remember that in most cases, after the function, there are thousands of complaints. Very few people are satisfied. No matter how many people are invited, there will be so many who will be upset due to not being invited. Then the people generally invited are from the wealthier class. The food will never be up to their standard. If a person achieves a bit of fame for a few days, then as soon as a new custom emerges, people say, “What did he do? Look how the other surpassed him!” When problems afflict one, then none of those for whom you spent so much will stand at your side. In fact, they will pass remarks, “Who told him to waste money? He destroyed himself.”

Hadrat Thanwi said, “We have seen people who when in good conditions, people said to them, “Where your perspiration falls, we are prepared to sacrifice our blood.” However, when difficulties afflicted that person, not even one person stood by him. All closed their eyes, and changed their attitude completely.” This is the condition of man who is most unfaithful. If on the other hand, one pleases Allâh ta’ala, he will never be at loss, since Allâh ta’ala is the most faithful. He ta’ala will never leave one in the lurch. Another great problem which arises due to these functions is jealousy. Outwardly people appear to be wellwishers, but many have hearts of wolves. They will search for faults in the function, so that the host can be disgraced and embarrassed.

Many times, loans are procured for fulfilling these customs. This exacerbates the sin. People have destroyed their live-savings in trying to fulfill these traditions. Never mind wasting the money, it is not even permissible for one to advance a loan to some-one for fulfillment of these customs, since one will be a cause for this sin.

3) Intermingling of sexes – The prohibition of intermingling of sexes is not something alien to Muslims. However, due to affiliation with other religions and sects, they fail to understand that close relatives like cousins and sisters-in-law are also non-mahram, and hijâb is obligatory with them too; and they freely mix with these relatives, especially in the ceremonies before Nikah. They make simple excuses like we grew up together, without taking into consideration that they are openly violating a command of Allah ta’ala mentioned in the Holy Quran. The consequences of such violation of the commandments of Allah can be very detrimental, and could lead to kufr (disbelief) in cases where a person clearly refuses to accept such a law and regards it permissible.

4) Taking of loans – It is prohibited to take loans for the performance of marriages, just to fulfill customs, and wherein there is wastage.
Moderation in spending is the instruction of Islâm. If people are moderate in expenditure and abstain from extravagance, they will never be dependent on others. Overspending and failing to budget one’s income lead to debt which in turn brings disgrace, worry and frustration. People are financially ruined, and, along with such worldly ruin, comes spiritual ruin as well.

Among the worst of calamities is debt, especially if one has no means of paying the debts. Rasulullâh ﷺ has sounded dire warnings in regard to unpaid debt. Nabî ﷺ said that whoever incurs a debt and has no intention of repaying it, will pay with his good deeds for it on the Day of Judgement. If his good deeds are not sufficient, the sins of the creditor will be recorded in his name. (Bayhaqî) Even martyrdom is no absolution for debt. A martyr will be forgiven all his sins, but debt. Debt will be demanded even in the hereafter.

1) In this regard, Rasulullâh ﷺ said, “I take an oath by that Being in whose possession is my life that the man who is in debt will not enter Jannah even if he is martyred; then he is resurrected and again martyred; then again is resurrected and again martyred. He will not enter Jannah until his debt is paid.” (Nasâi, Hâkim)

2) Once a bier was brought before Rasulullâh ﷺ so that he could perform the janâzah salâh. Nabî ﷺ asked, “Does he have any debts?” When the Sahâbah, radiyallahu anhum, replied in the affirmative, Nabî ﷺ remarked, “Jibraîl, alayhis salam, prohibited me from performing salâh on one who has debts. The debtor is held back in the grave (from the bounties of Jannah) until his debts are absolved.” (Abû Ya’lâ) Another narration states, “The sahâbah, radiyallahu anhum, were in the presence of Nabî ﷺ. A bier was brought so that Nabî ﷺ could perform salâh over it. Nabî ﷺ asked, “Does your companion have any debts?” When the sahâbah, radiyallahu anhum, replied in the affirmative, Nabî ﷺ said, “What benefit will you derive if I perform salâh on a man whose soul is detained in his grave and cannot rise to the heavens. If some-one takes responsibility for his debts, I will stand and perform salâh over him, then my salâh will benefit him.” (Tabrâni)

3) Abû Saîd, radiyallahu anhu, narrates that he heard Rasulullâh ﷺ saying: "I seek refuge in Allah from kufr and debts." A person asked: "O Rasulullâh! Do you regard kufr and debts to be equal that you are mentioning them together?" He replied, "Yes." (Nasâî)

4) Rasulullâh ﷺ said, "Debts is the flag of Allah on earth. When He wishes to disgrace anyone, He burdens him with the weight of debts." (Hâkim)

5) Rasulullâh ﷺ advised a person in the following manner, "Reduce your sins so that your death will be easy. Reduce your debts so that you may live a free person." (Bayhaqî)

6) Rasulullâh ﷺ said, "The person who marries a woman with mahr, whether it be a small amount or a large amount, and has this intention that he will not pay her the mahr and passes away without paying her, then on the day of judgement he will rise as an adulterer in the presence of Allah. And the person who takes a loan with the intention of not paying it back and passes away without fulfilling it, will rise as a thief in the presence of Allah on the day of judgement." (Tabrânî in Saghîr and Awsat)

5) Beauty parlours – Visiting of beauty parlours during the marriage ceremonies has also become a trend. The bride and close relatives spend hours in the beauty parlour to get their hair done and face made up according to the fashion set by the disbelievers. This will fall under the ruling of imitating the disbelievers. In the process, salâhs are omitted and a lot of money is spent. Moreover, most of the make-up used do not comply with the standards of Shari’ah, thus, could result in the invalidity of salah performed in them. We should also remember that it is not permissible for a Muslim woman to expose any portion of her body besides her face and hands in front of a non-Muslim woman. In front of other Muslim women, the area between the navel and knee cannot be exposed. Cutting and trimming of one’s hair is not permitted.

6) Clothing – Nabi ﷺ said, “Whoever wears clothing for show, Allâh ta’âlâ will make him wear the clothing of disgrace on the Day of Judgement.” (Ahmad, Abû Dâwud, Nasaî)

“Clothing for show” means that a person wears beautiful and expensive clothing to make apparent his greatness and so that he can boast. This show will create pride and arrogance. Allâh ta’ala despises a proud person.

Many Muslims adopt dressing that resemble with the dressing of the actors and actresses of Bollywood. Dresses worn by certain actors in certain films are ordered or custom made. This clearly falls under the rule of imitating the disbelievers and transgressors. Would we prefer to be resurrected amongst these actors and actresses on the day of Qiyamah? This is a very severe matter to which people do not pay much heed. Moreover, money is wasted in buying the branded and extravagant clothing and some even travel overseas to purchase clothing to keep up with the fashion, mention of which has already been made. The most money is spent on the bride’s dress for the Nikah and the walimah ceremonies. Today, thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, are spent in procuring clothing for wedding functions, which, in most cases are generally never worn again.

‘Abdul Wahid bin Aiman narrates from his father who says that one day he went to 'Aishah, radiyallahu anha, and she was wearing a coarse dress costing five Dirhams. 'Aishah, radiyallahu anha, said, “Look at my slave-girl who refuses to wear it in the house. I had a similar dress during the lifetime of Nabi ﷺ. Every woman in Madinah desiring to appear elegant (before her husband) borrowed it from me." (Bukhârî) This hadith portrays the simplicity of the women of Madina in the time of Nabi ﷺ. They did not waste money in buying a dress to adorn themselves in front of their husbands, which is in fact permissible in Shari’ah.

7.) The exchanging of gifts and trousseau: The exchanging of gifts in itself is an act of virtue and encouraged in Shari’ah. However, it is an undeniable fact that the two parties are compelled to give out these gifts. The relatives to whom gifts have to be given out are stipulated through custom; for example, a certain amount is stipulated for the mother-in-law, a certain amount for sister-in-law, etc. This is clear proof that these gifts are given through compulsion and not with the intention of giving gifts as such; hence, will not be permissible. The same applies to the giving out of trousseau. There is no harm in a father giving out whatever he wishes to his daughter, as long as he is giving it from his own free will. However, in many cases the boy’s party demands the trousseau; and even in the cases trousseau is not demanded, the custom prevails that trousseau has to be given and it is understood between the parties that the trousseau will be given by the girl’s father. Some of them who are poor have to borrow money or take zakat in order to give a trousseau. This is proof of compulsion of something not obligatory, which is prohibited in Shari’ah. Moreover, the giving out of trousseau has taken the form of competition, wherein one Muslim tries to excel his fellow Muslim brother in buying a better trousseau than the other. Some go to the extent of travelling overseas to buy the dowry. This undoubtedly will fall under extravagance. The ones who cannot afford do not wish to be left out, and spend over and above their means in keeping up with the competition. This results in people borrowing money from others, or taking zakat in order to have a marriage that would please others. The question remains that in spite of all the above-mentioned, can we still regard the exchanging of gifts and the giving of trousseau as permissible?

Nowadays, bridal showers are held. The non-Muslims have coined a novel concept of begging – especially amongst the upper-class. In the name of Bridal Showers, people gracefully and politely extend their hands, and they ask and take from others.

The bride-to-be chooses her gifts from exclusive stores that offer a “registry” or she unashamedly hands out a list of those items she wants gifted to her. In the process, she places pressure and financial difficulty and sometimes a great burden on others - to purchase those gifts that she has chosen.

At the get-together, these gifts and other gifts are presented to the bride-to-be, who opens them and shows them to all present – and each person can assess the kind of money that was spent on the gift given. There are various wrongs in this act:

a.) A person is forced to purchase gifts that the bride has chosen – which may be beyond her budget in spending.
b.) A person who gives something simple or inexpensive will feel ashamed and embarrassed, considering the manner in which gifts are being received and shown to others.
c.) Gifts are not given happily. There is no blessings in such gifts. Besides this, many immoral actions generally take place at such functions. It is not permissible to even go for these functions.

8.) Ceremonies for showing gifts and trousseau: In some cultures, special ceremonies are held to show the relatives what gifts were given out and what trousseau was given out. Announcements are made as to who is giving the gift to whom and the value of the gift. At times, the entire trousseau given out is displayed, and each and every person invited has a look at the trousseau. These are merely customs that are being followed for ages, and are against the teachings of Shari’ah as they are regarded compulsory. Moreover, the main objective of these ceremonies is to show off the goods to others.

9.) Exorbitant dowries: By fixing over-priced dowries, it becomes difficult for young women to get married. For this reason, Umar, radiyallahu anhu, once stood on the pulpit and gave the following sermon, "Take note that you should not inflate the dowries of your women because had this been an act of honor in this world and an act of Taqwa in Allâh’s sight, Nabî ﷺ would have been most entitled to it. However, Rasulullâh ﷺ never gave any of his wives a dowry of more than twelve Awqiya and did not receive more than this as dowry for any of his daughters either. What is happening is that some of you inflate the dowry so much that the husband (when unable to pay) fosters hatred for her in his heart, saying, 'It is because of you that I have been burdened with a water-bag hung around my neck.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dâwûd, Nasaî,Ibn Majah)

Hadhrat Masrooq narrates that Hadhrat Umar, radiyallahu anhu, once mounted the pulpit and said, "O people! What is this inflation of dowries for your women when the dowries common amongst Rasulullâh ﷺ and his Sahâbah, radiyallahu anhum, were in the region of four hundred Dirhams and less. Had inflated dowries been a sigh of Taqwa in Allaah's sight or a mark of honor, you people would have never beat Rasulullâh ﷺ and his Sahâbah, radiyallahu anhum, to it (they would have been first to implement it)." (Abu Ya’al and Said ibn Mansûr)

10.) Honeymoons: It is an imitation of the non-Muslims and it is a great waste of money. It also leads to neglect of many religious matters, like salah, etc. Many sins are normally committed in resorts and hotels, etc. where people spend their first few days of their marriage life. It was the habit of the pious predecessors to spend the beginning of their married life in their own homes. The modern formula of the bride and groom leaving for a destination after the ceremony only really started in Victorian times in England.